What’s in a name? Well as my Bonecraft review will show, pretty much everything you’re thinking. Bonecraft, at this point, is nearly a decade old porn game. While it may be old, Bonecraft continues to draw massive appeal due to its super cool sci-fi porn game plot. And as this Bonecraft review will show, the game lives on as one of the coolest concepts of all time.
Bonecraft’s is a third-person space journey that’s ripe with conflict, sex, and even drunkeness. It’s pretty much a formula for everything you could ever want from a porn game experience.
So dare I begin my review of Bonecraft while having my favorite Star Wars themed beer?
You bet I dare. You bet.
Bonecraft Review: What’s It About?
Bonecraft falls into the science fiction porn game classification. That makes the experience rather unique when compared against today’s most popular porn game installations.
There are two main characters of concern:
- Captain Fort Worth
- Lubbock
Lubbock is Captain Fort Worth’s handy assistant. They both help in leading the Space Wranglers. The Space Wranglers are tasked with taking out a planet called Orcs. Once this mission is complete, they are able to go to war with the Elf Queen who holds the key to a porn game whore house for the ages.
Tell me all of that didn’t sound incredibly exciting?
By the way, this bro is Lubbock and the narrator bro is Worth.
Now you can put a name to a face, feel better?
For a porn game plotline, Bonecraft definitely reaches the outer galaxies (pun intended).
How To Play Bonecraft
The game opens with Fort Worth and Lubbock living up to their Texan names and getting hammered together. But here’s the kicker, Bonecraft characters don’t get loaded on vodka or beer, instead, they down jet fuel. I’ve had some rough drinks in my time, but none likely rival that of space jet fuel. And that’s a good thing because the game depends on you keeping your characters a certain amount of drunkenness (I’m not kidding, it’s written into the game).
Fort Worth, while hammered, begins telling tales about the girls he wishes he’d hooked up with. But the epicenter of his failed sexual conquest seems to be the Elf Queen.
As you can already pick up on, Bonecraft’s plot is elaborate. That’s consistent with any science fiction book or movie. So far, so good.
Lubbock and Worth drunkenly crash their space ship on Orc. This begins a war. This is where shit hits the fan and you take over like a drunken warrior who needs to shoot any and all who occupy this foreign planet.
In today’s political climate, Bonecraft would likely be censored. However, it’s a porn game, so it already has other public scrutiny issues to contend with. And maybe those Orcs should have built their own wall!
The good news is, Orc has brothels. And one of those brothels belongs to the Elf Queen.
You can see where all of this is going, right?
By now, you’re a drunken space ship driver invading planets and having sex in brothels and shooting anyone that gets in your way.
The Bonecraft galaxy is a cold, yet exciting and fun world.
Don’t worry, if the Bonecraft plotline sounds too complex, you can opt-out of story mode and just go around shooting aliens in their faces.
If you want to win the day in Bonecraft, you’ll need to get hammered and get laid consistently. Not doing either of these means failure (as it should).
The Elven warriors are your main sexual conquest focus. You and the crew must defeat these tribes and get your fair share of sexual pleasures. That doesn’t mean just you as the captain, this means your entire crew. Lagging crew members bring you down, so make sure you are lifting your team up.
Bonecraft brothels are each geared towards unique fetishes. This means sex with odd species and transexuals. You might even encounter an option to be peed on.
Again, drink, my friend. It’s required.
Also, as a fighter, you’ll go to war using your hands, swords, grenades, and even body armor. So get ready, the action runs super hot.
Bonecraft Tech
If you have a Mac, you’re out of luck. The only option is to install Windows version on Mac, and as a Mac owner, you know that sucks. But do what you need to do to hook up in a Bonecraft brothel.
PC users, you’re once again in luck. So long as you have Windows XP, Windows Vista, Windows 7, 8 or 10 alongside an Intel Pentium 4 2.8 GHz or AMD Athlon 2800+ processor. A gig of RAM and 3 GIGs of storage are also needed. 5 GIGs of ram will make the Bonecraft experience far superior.
Bonecraft Prices
You’ll pay around $34.99 once to play Bonecraft. There’s a roughly $50 upgrade that allows you to snag a sister porn game known as Bonetown. I don’t suggest this, it feels mostly like a money grab.
Final Thoughts
Bonecraft is a fun game, make no doubt about it. The fantasy of getting drunk and slaying both planets and alien hookers is not lost on this guy. It’s also one of the few games out there that occupies this odd niche.
The game is fun and addicting and like most Bonecraft reviews, we give this game at least a B. And a solid B at that.
Yes, you have to pay, which in this day and age of free porn games sort of sucks. But if you don’t mind spending the cash, you’ll likely get a few months of entertainment out of the game.